Those Fleeting Years

     【I】

    Those years in my memory are long, so long that I can never go back to the beginning; yet those years are also short, as fleeting as a white horse galloping past a crack in the wall, gone in an instant…

    Many times, I am tormented by memories. This pain is like salt being mercilessly rubbed into a wound, leaving me speechless with agony. I know that once I left that city, this pain would haunt me for life. Wherever I go, it will follow me like a shadow. Unless, I die.

    However, I have never thought of death. Death, for a living person, requires courage. I sit by the river, watching the shimmering water under the setting sun. I sit there from dawn until sunset, never considering the slowly flowing river as my final destination.

    I will not use death to interpret my understanding of life; to do so would be to despise myself. Mo Ran once said that I have a dual personality; when I am strong and rational, I seem frightening to him; when I am weak and helpless, he wants to protect me with his life.

    I don't know what kind of person I am. I only know that in front of Mo Ran, I won't hide myself. Being completely open with him makes me feel more at ease. However, this openness ultimately led to my loss of him. Watching his departing figure, I began to doubt what should sustain a relationship between two people. Isn't it honesty?

    When Mo Ran left, there were no tears in my eyes. It seemed as if I had figured things out, hence the absence of tears, or perhaps my mind was completely blank, unsure where the tears should flow. He said he loved seeing me cry, but that day, I didn't let him see me cry. I just kept watching him, watching him, until my eyes stung and my heart ached. Perhaps he didn't see what he wanted to see, and so he turned and left. Many years later, Mo Ran told me that if I had cried that day, he would have stayed without hesitation.

    That wasn't what I hoped for. Any flawed relationship needs time to mature. Mo Ran needed it, and so did I. I never resented his departure, because I too had experienced painful struggles. I understand that a person's rights are not in the hands of others, and I understand that any forced actions will become stumbling blocks in the future, and this forced action is relative to both of us. No one wants to fall again after falling once.

    In the coffee shop, my friend Qingtian said that my rationality left her speechless. When Mo Ran left, Qingtian watched from a short distance away. She wished she could keep him for me because she knew he was the only love in my heart. This heartfelt sentiment, hidden deep within me, was only revealed to her.

    I don't deny that he is the only one, he was before, and he will be in the future. However, if I don't let him go, I will definitely be the one who regrets it in the future. When I said this, my heart was completely unmoved. Qingtian kicked the chair I was sitting on angrily and left without looking back.

    Watching Qingtian's departing figure, I knew she genuinely felt sorry for me. I held the coffee in my hand, the aroma of the latte lingering in my nostrils. For the end of a relationship, all reasons are pale and insignificant. Regardless of who is right or wrong, it's all just fleeting smoke. This was the conclusion I reached after tossing and turning all night.

    But why did we have to just brush past each other? Why did it have to be a fleeting memory? This isn't what I wanted. No one thinks about the end when they encounter love. Tears involuntarily streamed down my face, splashing tiny droplets in my coffee cup. This is where we sit every day; his scent still lingers on this chair.

    Looking out the window through the hazy light, I saw the magnolia tree's withered petals scattered on the ground. If I had known I would miss him so much after he left, would I have kept him from leaving? For many years, I was tormented by this thought until I met him again.

    Yet, at that time, I felt I deserved to be ridiculed. An adult should be most responsible for their actions. He was responsible for himself, and so was I. Regardless, I had to bear the consequences myself.

    When I left that city, I was so resolute, without even the desire to look back. The sky above was so blue, so clear, the trees on the street so green, the flowers so red—May is undeniably a captivating month. Suddenly, my mood became exceptionally good. I wiped away the tears that inexplicably streamed down my face, telling myself that when I didn't want to look back, I should lift my head, look at the sky, look at the grass, look at the world.

    I wanted to leave quietly alone; there was nothing left for me to cherish in this city, except for Qingtian. But the last thing I wanted was for Qingtian to appear before me at this moment, not because I was cold or heartless. Qingtian would make my departure difficult; if she knew the truth, she certainly wouldn't let Mo Ran leave.

    Yet, Qingtian's phone call still caught up with my departure. That woman, always so energetic and impulsive, was crying uncontrollably on the other end of the line; anyone who didn't know better would think she was the one heartbroken. "

    Xie Lin, are you doing this out of pity? What do you take me for? Do you think I'll get him just because you're gone? You idiot, he doesn't love me, do you even know that?" That day, Mo Ran asked me out to refuse; it was me who begged for a kiss…

    I stopped myself from speaking the moment my tears dried. Qingtian finally saw the letter I left under her pillow. No matter the reason, it was all over.

    That day, I saw her and Mo Ran standing in the corner of the woods, and it made me think about the future of Mo Ran and me. I thought I couldn't face Mo Ran anymore, yet when I saw him the next day, I was so calm. If I had buried that scene deep in my heart forever, perhaps Mo Ran and I could have lived peacefully.

    But my pride and stubbornness wouldn't allow me to do that. No explanation can erase what I've done. In front of Mo Ran, I was like a transparent person; I couldn't bear living in the sunlight while others watched me in the dark. The moment I proposed breaking up, the pain in Mo Ran's eyes pierced me. But I still stubbornly chose to leave.

    Yes, I chose to leave first, to calmly think about our future. And when Mo Ran told me he was leaving, I thought, it really was over. Mo Ran was like a rainbow after the rain, lingering in my sky for a moment, and before I could count the colors in his life, he disappeared. And what am I to Mo Ran? I don't know.

    I know Qingtian is still crying on the other end of the phone. She said I'm her sister forever. I also treated her like a younger sister, just like I said in the letter, I was too selfish, only seeing Mo Ran. Falling in love with Mo Ran, she wasn't wrong, none of us were wrong. I hoped the love she blessed would continue to shine in her life.

    Mo Ran left, I left. We both thought it was the right thing to do. When I realized we were all wrong, fate had already made the three of us struggle in this fruitless love for many, many years...

    【II】

    I returned to my hometown, a small city in the north. My relatives are in this small city, no matter how far I wander, I always end up back here. My

    mother said she couldn't pave the way for my life, but she could protect a warm home for me. Anytime.

    It's still that old courtyard, no different from when I left. Still so old, as old as the wrinkles on my mother's forehead, as old as the white hair on her head. My gaze lingers on the blue bricks and tiles, I want to uncover the life in the old courtyard I left behind. However, whether it was my heavy eyelids that could no longer support my weary gaze, or the unbearable loneliness my mother had endured, when I stood before her, all I saw was darkness.

    The journey home felt like traversing a thousand years. I left my destined separation in that world, that world of indifference. Now, I face my mother and my own world. It is warm and comforting, but no one will ever appear there again, never again.

    When I woke up, I saw my mother's tearful back. She was looking at a photograph I only knew of, but not where, was. My mother was missing my father again. Ever since I understood the sorrow on my mother's face, this image has lingered in my mind. My mother's fate shaped my fate, and I inherited a part of the sorrow in her eyes. In this sorrow, there is my mother, my father, and myself.

    Perhaps, my unrequited love with Mo Ran is also related to this sorrow! No one knows how important a secure emotional connection is to me. My mother rarely talks about my father, not even definitively saying whether he is alive or dead. I don't want to mention my mother's sorrow; regardless of life or death, in short, our world doesn't have a father. However, in my mother's faintly sorrowful eyes, I see disappointment and some confusion I don't understand.

    My mother turned to look at me, tears still wet on her cheeks. My heart ached for my mother. What kind of man would make my mother wait a lifetime for him? As a woman with exceptional medical skills, she could have had a happy life, so why did she choose to endure loneliness? Many times, I thought it was because of me. My mother's love for me was intense; no child in the world could match the love she gave me. It was this love that made me selfish and self-centered.

    Yet, my mother never saw it as a flaw. She would always look at me with those expressive eyes, saying nothing, her gaze simply following my shadow. Later, she said that the blood in my veins gave me too much of my father's image, and without me, she didn't know how she could live. Looking at me was her happiest moment, as if my father were beside her.

    I don't know if this was my mother's sorrow or her happiness. I cannot replace my father; I am who I am. All I can give her is the companionship of a daughter, and endless worries, just like now.

    Lying in bed, I see my own haggard appearance reflected in my mother's eyes, like a terminally ill patient awaiting death. If I die, my mother will be even more lonely; if I die, my father will truly disappear completely from her eyes. I live not only for myself, but also for my mother, for the past twenty-odd years of relying on each other.

    Please don't torture yourself like this. My mother stroked my disheveled hair, her slender fingers gliding across my face, carrying a faint scent of herbs. I inhaled deeply; the room was filled with the faint smell of Chinese medicine, which I had once thought was my mother's scent.

    I didn't understand why my mother said that. But tears inexplicably streamed down my face. From choked sobs to low whimpers, to burying my face in my hands and weeping bitterly. My mother's hand never left mine, held tightly, a warmth flowing through her fingertips. In this world, there is still someone who can warm my heart; that person can only be my mother.

    Tell me, who is he? My mother's voice was as soft as water, as if afraid that raising her voice would frighten me.

    I shook my head at my mother. I will never utter the name Mo Ran again; let him disappear completely from my life. I think I will forget him, as if he never happened. As I tried to forget Mo Ran, the image of his departing back flashed through my mind.

    My mother's eyes dimmed slightly. She knew her daughter's temperament best; she was just as stubborn. But some things had to be said. In her daughter's eyes, she seemed to see another version of herself. She had endured all the hardships, but she couldn't bear to see her daughter hurt. "

    Tell me, who is he?" Her mother's hand gently touched my face. Her hands were still so delicate, just like when I was a child.

    I wanted to say, "No one." However, a sudden surge of liquid welled up inside me, choking my mouth. I leaned over the edge of the bed, vomiting violently. It was because I had barely eaten anything these past few days, because I had shed too many tears in front of my mother, because...

    My mother's worried gaze lingered on my pale face. I avoided her gaze. As an adult, and as a mother skilled in medicine, we both fell silent at this moment. I hadn't expected that leaving Mo Ran's world would bring back something so heavy—no, a life. He had truly appeared in my and my mother's world.

    If Mo Ran were here, I would proudly tell him he was going to be a father. But now, I only felt it was an insult to my mother and a disgrace to my own life. I always thought my love with Mo Ran was doomed to fail, but no one expected it to have come to fruition.

    My mother's traditional Chinese medicine was meant to warm the spleen. Under the pomegranate tree in the yard, I slowly let the bitterness spread throughout my body, my gaze blankly fixed on the gray tiles on the eaves. The dust there was the mark of time passing through this yard, the years of a single woman and a little girl.

    I sat in the shade of the pomegranate tree, the June wind warm on my face. The pomegranate tree was already fragrant with blossoms. My mother sat under the eaves. In the lamplight above her head, tiny moths hovered, desperately crashing into the lamp, bouncing away, then crashing again. It seemed there was a great temptation there, something they were willing to risk their lives to find out. "

    Whoever he is, Mom supports whatever decision you make." A familiar, faint sadness lingered in my mother's eyes; I knew she was worried about me. Because of my mother's experiences, because my mother and I understood each other so well, this event, which could have caused a great upheaval in our family, was being gradually resolved by my mother and me through this unique silence.

    The night was deep, as deep as the unyielding love in my mother's eyes. I nestled on my mother's lap, all my worries gently brushing away like the June breeze. "

    Mom, I love him!" My mother's hand pressed heavily on my head. I couldn't see the expression on her face, but I clearly heard her sigh, a sigh from her heart. My gaze passed through my mother's hand, following the direction of her veins, and I saw the shadow etched in her heart—a shadow that brought me life and also brought my mother suffering.

    I vaguely sensed my mother's hesitation, but it was only for a moment. Then, my mother hugged me tightly. That night, I slept soundly in the embrace of a lifetime of love.

    [III]

    When I faced that little life, looking into his innocent eyes, I was at a loss, afraid to touch him. Those eyes were simply indifferent. He looked at me, I looked at him, as if in a dream.

    My mother said that her happiness lived in my shadow; then, was my happiness also intoxicated by his eyes?

    Xie Ran. My mother said that the name I gave him was enough to show that memories of Mo Ran would never be erased from my mind, otherwise it would be very difficult for me. Although there was some worry in her eyes as she looked at Xie Ran, it was still filled with deep joy.

    "Mom, is my father's surname Lin?" My mother paused, her smile freezing on her face. "Mom, I love you!" I got up and hugged my mother, a tear streaming down my face and my mother's face, which I then quietly wiped away.

    Xie Ran's birth brought my mother endless joy. And I, looking into his dark eyes, searched for Mo Ran's shadow every day. I thought I could forget, but fate prevented me from forgetting. If that's the case, then let the longing spread freely!

    I wonder if Mo Ran and Qing Tian will be together! I don't want to think about this question, but isn't this the result I wanted by withdrawing? Why does my heart still ache when I think of them in that corner?

    Xie Ran's growth is the best medicine for my wounds. The old courtyard hasn't had such unrestrained laughter for many years. My mother's wrinkles smoothed out, and her lonely figure gradually disappeared from the photograph of my father. I walked past the drifting clouds above the yard, as if seeing years receding further and further away, Mo Ran's shadow both clear and blurred.

    Thank you, Mo Ran!

    For a long time, my guardedness and indifference meant that my world consisted only of my mother and Xie Ran. Until one day, He Liuyang's appearance abruptly disrupted my peaceful life. He was as tall as Mo Ran, with a face as cold and aloof as Mo Ran's. When I saw him, I momentarily thought I was seeing Mo Ran.

    Every day, He Liuyang and I see each other all the time. This man, who can decide my fate, always seems to drift his gaze over me, almost imperceptibly. That same gaze had also appeared in Mo Ran's eyes. In that coffee shop where we first met, I sat in the corner, and one day, I suddenly felt as if my body had been dissected. I saw Mo Ran; his gaze had just passed over me. For many days, we played a game of chasing each other's eyes, and we enjoyed it immensely. Perhaps it was because our gazes had lingered for too long, or perhaps Mo Ran no longer wanted to escape. Eventually, our coffee cups were less than a hand's width apart, and our gazes refused to part.

    Thinking of Mo Ran brings to mind Xie Ran. Two men equally important in my life, who always manage to make me feel a surge of joy followed by a surge of sorrow. If I said I didn't care about He Liuyang's gaze at all, I would be deceiving myself. But what good would caring do? He wasn't Mo Ran after all.

    Yet, He Liuyang's gaze lingered on me more and more, leaving me bewildered. Leaving Mo Ran didn't shut my heart off, but the moment I knew Xie Ran was inside me, I realized that Mo Ran was etched into my very being, and no one could replace her in my world of longing.

    Avoidance became the only option. Avoiding He Liuyang, and avoiding Xie Ran. Xie Ran could now look at me quietly with those Mo Ran-like eyes and ask me where his father was.

    This avoidance made my life miserable. I could ignore He Liuyang's increasingly intense pursuit, but I couldn't forever hide from Xie Ran's eyes. My mother said it was inevitable; from the moment I accepted him, I knew I would have to face the future.

    But when I asked about my father, you never gave me a straight answer. I didn't want my mother to recall the past, but I really wanted to know everything about her and my father.

    My mother didn't speak, answering with her usual silence. I also fell silent. In the yard, only Xie Ran's innocent laughter filled the air.

    He Liuyang's appearance broke the silence in the yard, and Xie Ran nestled obediently against me. I saw the tremor in He Liuyang's eyes, a tremor that came when his gaze swept over Xie Ran's body.

    My mother didn't know He Liuyang. That night, I stroked Xie Ran's sleeping face and told my mother that He Liuyang was just a passerby, brushing past without leaving a trace.

    Whatever decision you make, Mom will support you! I understand that my mother is my strongest support in life. At any time.

    I told my mother that I only wanted to raise Xie Ran.

    The day after He Liuyang appeared in the old courtyard, he disappeared. This man, who looked so much like Mo Ran, his appearance and disappearance were like a mystery.

    Without He Liuyang's constant pursuit, my days became rather mundane. However, the time spent in the old courtyard was exceptionally vibrant. The happiness Xie Ran brought to my mother and me over the past six years is indescribable. I told my mother that leaving Mo Ran might have been a mistake, but giving birth to Xie Ran was not.

    Without Mo Ran, don't you feel regret in this life? My mother's words struck a nerve. My life without your father, I have always felt regret.

    My mother had never said such things, though I knew she missed my father constantly. "

    Linlin, you know, everyone else has moved away from the old courtyard, but I'm the only one staying here. Why?" "

    Why?" My mother had many opportunities to move to a better house, and I had blamed her for it. "

    I'm waiting for your father. If I leave the old courtyard, he won't be able to find me. He left right here in this old courtyard." Sadness welled up in my mother's eyes. "Xielin, I was wrong. I didn't tell him. You're already inside me. I didn't want an unknown life to hold him back. If I had told him, he certainly wouldn't have left, but his life would have been filled with regrets."

    I was speechless, feeling the blood surging through my veins. My mother didn't want to use me to hold my father back, yet she pushed herself into an abyss. Was this the tragedy of love?

    My mother held my hand. She said she didn't know where my father had gone. If she knew, she would have searched for him at all costs, instead of staying here, waiting for an unknown hope. "

    Linlin, go find Mo Ran!" Love isn't everything in life, but Xie Ran's lack of a father's love is a void in her life. My mother deeply understands what her loneliness has brought to my life. Her fate is irreversible; how can she watch her daughter suffer as alone as she has? Especially seeing my cold attitude towards He Liuyang, her anxiety is written all over her face.

    Can we go back? Looking at Xie Ran's captivating eyes, I admit that He Liuyang's appearance deeply moved me and brought me an unprecedented longing for Mo Ran. We can't go back. Even if the scene of Qing Tian and Mo Ran is erased from my memory, we can't go back.

    That night, my mother sat in front of my father's photo, silently weeping. I stood under the moonlight, counting the years on each blue brick. This old courtyard is my mother's final vigil, but can she bring back my father?

    [IV]

    My mother's vigil continues to flow slowly in the old courtyard with the passing of time. A month after He Liuyang disappeared, he stood before me, separated by the pomegranate tree in the courtyard. The tree was already laden with fist-sized fruits. His eyes held a complex mix of emotions as he looked at me calmly.

    "Xie Lin, if it weren't for Mo Ran, would you have married me?" I was stunned. Mo Ran's existence, besides my mother, had always been deeply buried in my heart. He Liuyang's expression was solemn yet calm; I couldn't discern any hidden meaning.

    "No!" I answered calmly, looking at the pomegranate fruit on the tree. "Mo Ran is my only love, for life.

    I knew this would be the outcome, so, Xie Lin, I brought Mo Ran." He Liuyang's eyes dimmed. He lowered his head, stepping aside from the doorway.

    I had never imagined what my emotions would be if I saw Mo Ran again. Excitement? Calmness?

    However, before I could think, a figure stood before me. His silhouette enveloped my entire body, as if trying to tightly envelop me. I saw those eyes, bloodshot, as if they had never left the pain. It

    really was Mo Ran!

    If you shed tears when I left, I would definitely stay. But I was wrong. When Qingtian told me you were leaving, I knew I was wrong.

    I pushed away Mo Ran's outstretched hand. Does it even matter whose fault it is? Six years has passed; that's enough time for someone to rebuild a relationship. I looked into Mo Ran's eyes; what I cared about most was him and Qingtian. If my departure could bring them together, I would completely erase all past memories.

    You idiot, is love something to be given away? Qingtian's appearance shattered my carefully constructed calm. If Liuyang hadn't told us you were here, Mo Ran would still be searching for you all over the world.

    He Liuyang? I looked at everyone in front of me, bewildered. What kind of relationship was this?

    Liuyang was Mo Ran's younger brother, her half-brother. Hearing Qingtian's words, I suddenly understood. Why did He Liuyang resemble Mo Ran? I finally had the answer.

    Everyone, come inside! My mother stood at the door, holding Xie Ran's hand. All eyes were on Xie Ran, especially Mo Ran. The tears in his eyes made my heart ache. Qingtian said he had never stopped looking for me. We finally met, but what will our future hold?

    The old courtyard seemed to awaken from its slumber that day, the moonlight spilling across it, even the air felt fresher.

    Under the pomegranate tree, Mo Ran said that his departure had hurt Xie Ran and me, and he would spend the rest of his life making amends.

    I leaned against him. "If my departure hurt you, I will spend the rest of my life guarding this old courtyard, counting the passing years on each blue brick."

    Through the window, I saw Qing Tian, ​​He Liuyang, and Xie Ran playing. My mother sat to one side, watching the lively Xie Ran, so peaceful, so serene.

    The guarding of the old courtyard would continue, but it would no longer be my mother's lonely vigil.

    The cool moonlight, carrying the warmth of midsummer, flowed around us. Mo Ran and I embraced tightly under the moonlight, our warm breaths mingling in the moonlight. Mo Ran said that his vow when he searched for me was that if we met, we would never let go, never let go…

    Many years later, in the old courtyard, under the pomegranate tree on a full moon night, Mo Ran and I, with the passing years we shared, fulfilled our vow: never let go!

    Author: Paper Umbrella.

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