Why do some people seem friendly but always keep to themselves? The top-rated answer on Zhihu succinctly puts it: "Being friendly is a matter of cultivation, being a loner is a matter of personality."
It seems I'm that kind of person. I generally dislike conflict and try to avoid unnecessary arguments. Harmony brings wealth, and valuing peace is my guiding principle.
Even if someone deliberately stirs up trouble, I try to restrain myself unless they cross my bottom line.
The reason I keep to myself is because I have too many things to do—endless books and movies to read, and numerous social activities to attend. There's no need or energy to waste on people I don't connect with. But what I can do is quickly switch gears when social interaction is needed, entering an extroverted, witty mode.
If you see me keeping to myself, it might just mean I don't have much to talk about with you, not that I'm lonely. I might be having a great time with another group of friends, you're just not in my circle.
From a psychological perspective, extroverts enjoy being in crowds and relish the feeling of being the center of attention. When alone, introverts often feel bored or uneasy. They prefer solitude or spending time with only one or a small group of people. Too many people around them are too exhausting. As I mentioned in a previous article, personality traits can be viewed as a spectrum, with introversion and extroversion at opposite ends. This means that people have varying degrees of introversion and extroversion.
In our perception, introverts are often seen as loners, always aloof, while extroverts are always cheerful and enthusiastic. However, this isn't entirely true.
Our behavior and interpersonal interactions are influenced by our education, the era we live in, and our family environment.
Most of us are not entirely introverted or extroverted. Introverts learn how to handle interpersonal relationships due to their upbringing, education, and family. Extroverts may gradually become more introverted due to changing circumstances.
How we socialize is primarily controlled by dopamine, a hormone that makes us feel good. The release of dopamine in each person's brain differs, resulting in varying degrees of stimulation to the cerebral cortex.
Those who are naturally more easily stimulated are introverted; they tend to avoid any additional social stimulation as it can cause anxiety and lead to excessive energy expenditure.
Conversely, those who are naturally less easily stimulated are extroverted; less stimulation leads to boredom, so they seek out additional stimulation.
Most people's stimulation levels don't reach either extreme; they fluctuate. Sometimes you feel the need to do something to seek stimulation, while at other times you feel overwhelmed and want to suppress it.
Why do some people seem friendly but prefer solitude?
1. It's not aloofness, but selective socializing.
When you perceive someone as solitary, it doesn't necessarily mean they lack a social circle; it might simply mean you haven't yet entered their social circle.
As we age and experience more, we gradually understand who is worth our time and who is merely a casual acquaintance. All interactions depend on whether the people around us are to our liking.
I once saw a quote, "Be kind only to a few, and to the rest depending on your mood!" I deeply agree.
2. Being alone allows us more time
to connect with others. However, prolonged interaction inevitably leads to fatigue. After all, everyone is different, and our pace of life varies.
Whether you're working or studying, have you ever encountered this situation:
"Who wants to eat?"
"Me, wait five minutes!"
Twenty minutes later, "Okay, let's go!"
Actually, I'm already starving… Perhaps we can accept it once or twice, but what if this happens repeatedly?
A physics teacher's words from my school days still resonate with me: "If you used that time waiting for others, I don't know
how much you could accomplish." As a child, I thought my teacher was indifferent, but looking back, it's simply because everyone's pace is different.
We all need ample time alone to recover from the fatigue of interacting with others and to recharge our energy. Or we can use that time to do things we want to do, determining whether we need to allocate more time for ourselves based on our own pace.
3. A friendly person who is also an introvert:
Such a person can be very friendly because their education and family influence have made them less rude, and good habits prevent them from being aloof. However, they are an introvert, preferring solitude and disliking excessive social interaction.
For introverts, this desire for solitude is not just a preference; it also affects their health and mood.
Introverts expend a lot of energy on social pressure and communication, so they need time to recover alone. Long-term suppression can lead to the accumulation of negative emotions, triggering a greater reaction.
Finally, I want to say that the happiness of social interaction comes from the quality, not the quantity; from the depth, not the frequency, of communication. I am not a loner, but I value the quality of my friends.
(End of article)
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